Hell of a Guy
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. - Thomas Jefferson

Sunday, September 24, 2006

A Hell of a Guy Milestone and Other Junk

09/24/2006

Just recently this website enjoyed its 20,000th hit.  I am not really sure exactly who all of you are, but I thank you for visiting here and enjoying, hopefully, my bullshit.  One wish of mine is that none of you are identity thieves searching for a temporary home, though I have recently taken out identity-theft insurance to guard against such rapscallions who would prey on others because they are too lazy to work honestly.  My sincerest thanks for spending a little time being enlightened, entertained or just bored silly by a semi-older, balding man with just a little too much extra time on his hands, or even worse, perhaps you are just way too cheap to pay to view a porn site.  My thanks also to my daughter Meredith (http://www.metalmeredith.com) and son-in-law Phil (http://www.topdeadcenterdesign.com) for giving me this site as a gift for my birthday just so I have something to amuse myself instead of visiting them.  20K hits since my first post on February 28th.  This is unfathomable. 

Here’s the junk segment.  Do you remember the TV show “Kids Say the Darndest Things?”  Art Linkletter had this segment on his daytime TV show many years ago, and later Bill Cosby had a show of the same name that ran for two years – 1998 to 2000.  The show had Bill Cosby speaking with some children of an age range of five to maybe seven or eight.  I thought about this last weekend as The Nancy and I were driving to see her parents with two of our grandchildren in the car with us.  Jared (7) and Jon-Luke (5) are so typically boyish, especially Jared. 

A couple weeks ago Jared’s mother’s half-sister got married.  The Nancy was asking Jared about the wedding and the reception.  Jared told of his dance floor prowess and about dancing with a cousin (we assumed the cousin to be of the female persuasion.  He told us about the bride throwing the bouquet and how he snagged it with a diving catch.  Apparently, she threw one for the single girls and ladies and another made up of candy for the kids.  Then he told us of an event at the wedding reception that had us roaring with laughter.

Jared spoke of the Groom on bended knee in front of the seated bride.  “He took off her underwear and threw it over his shoulder.” 

“Jared,” says The Nancy.  “Are you sure it was her underwear?”

“Yeah.  I think it was her thong.”

I suppose you would have had to have been with us for the full jolt of this, but believe me it was not only cute, if was hysterically funny.

The grandchildren are good at asking questions, especially Jared.  One day while having lunch at McDonald’s, just Jared, Lukie and me, Jared said to me, “Dave, have you ever had sex?”  Now, I gotta tell you he was very serious, and my response to his query was muted and stunned.  I merely told him I was not prepared to discuss that with him at that time.  He floored me, but seemed contented with my answer and went on playing with the toy from the Happy Meal that he wasn’t eating.

On another occasion, my main man Justin, the nine-year old and the senior male child of this family, who I saw naked on the day of his birth and nicked named Dirk Digler – the boy will be a lady pleaser for sure, said to me very matter-of-factly, “Dave, give me $100.”  He stuck out his hand, as if I might really give it to him, if I indeed had it to give in the first place.  I think he got a little miffed at the gesture rendered in his direction by one older male, grandfather wannabe and continued to hold forth his paw even after I turned away.  Justin is our football star – a seventy-five pound center/halfback/linebacker. 

Jessica, the oldest of our combined number of one-generation removed, family members, is way too into her friends these days to pay much attention to two, or better put this way so I don’t get into deep do-do with The Nancy, “one”  rapidly aging old fart, grandparent.  We generally see her for five minutes here or ten minutes there when we visit.  This kid is so beautiful I can only look at her for a few minutes before I begin to get emotional.  She is soon to be twelve going on twenty-one.  One time recently as we were leaving her house she gave me a hug.  I thought I would cry.  Weird, huh? 

The above takes care of four of the five GKs.  Our youngest lives in Richmond, Virginia.  Vivienne Leigh is just three years old.  She calls me “grampa” and The Nancy most of the time is “Mancy.”  Vivienne used to refer to The Nancy as “Mancy, with one mole.”  Vivienne is a precocious, cuter-than-hell, piece of work.  When she is in our car she likes to speak of being followed by an imaginary, giant meatball.  Don’t ask where that came from, I don’t have a clue.

The Nancy and I will have six of these little darlings come January 2007.  Meredith is due then and is probably more than ready now to get it over with.  Grandchildren are a pain in the ass.  People who say otherwise are full of crap, and this is the truth.  I will have to say this, though: I wouldn’t change anyone of them for all the money in the world.  They make me laugh.  They make me cry.  Their love is totally unconditional and given so easily away.  I cherish each one, and, dammit, they know I am a pushover for a hug.

And that’s all I have to say about that…

 
Monday, September 18, 2006

Planning My Retirement aka The Golden Years

09/18/2006

Approaching retirement reminds me of Captain Kirk telling Lt. Sulu to increase speed to Warp Factor 1; that is, to make the speed of the ship equal to that of the speed of light.  Retirement for me is approaching that quickly, or so it seems.  Just a few years ago retirement was something I gave little more than a passing thought to or even wished to think about.  The time for it, however, is getting close and I have to make some plans.

First of all, I am not nearly ready to hang it up and go into what I view now as “the waiting to die time.”  I am having way too much fun pissing off the people I work for and the people who work for me.  Actually I love my company, my higher-ups and my lower downs.  This company has been very good to me and as long as I can “make a difference” I will stay.  I truly believe I can still make a difference and be a valuable employee.  My present plan is to continue with this job until I reach my sixty-seventh birthday.  Not that I am counting the days but that is a mere 1599 days from today.  Bottom line, it is time to plan.

Some of you are aware of my post-retirement dream of becoming a geriatric porn star.  Don’t laugh, it’s true.  I believe with the overall average age of human beings on this planet increasing, there will be a demand for this type of entertainment as time goes on.  Who better than I fit the model for this?  After all, just look at my photograph, I was put on this earth as “eye candy” and have had to live my entire life being stared at and adored by women of all ages (as well as some men).  In this endeavor I will get to expose this Herculean body in all it athletic splendor.  I may even buy a large automobile with sky-blue paint and get a vanity tag with “Big Blue” on it.  Maybe get Pfizer to endorse me?

image

I don’t find any repugnancy whatsoever in my plan.  I have even gone so far with this and selected my stage name: Early Riser.  Those of you who frequent Bob Evans Restaurants have probably seen this name.  It is one of their breakfast menu items – two eggs, any style, with hash browns and bacon or sausage.  I even picked out a name for The Nancy, should she desire to participate in the adult entertainment field with me.  The Nancy will be “Crack O’Dawn,” which is also a Bob Evans’s menu item.  I can just imagine our names on the marquee and us pulling up to the premier of our first feature length film in “Big Blue” and exiting to car to a thunderous ovation from an adoring crowd.  Wow!!!

The Nancy sees an ulterior motive in this retirement dream of mine.  She tells people I only want an audition.  She says I should just forget my stupid retirement dream and just stick it out here in West Virginia.  She tells me with my luck I will be arrested and hauled into court where my dream will just not stand up, so to speak.  Damn it, I could have been a performer.  All of this not withstanding, it’s my dream and I am sticking with it.

Oh well!  That all I have to say about that…

 
Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Random Thoughts

09/13/2006

I have had an opportunity the past few days to listen to Fox News and ABC News programs on the radio as I drive from one place to another.  Both stations are constantly beaming programs dealing with the Middle East conflict, war in Iraq and Iran crap.  Of course having just observed the anniversary of 9-11, all of this kind of rolled around in my head for while.

Newt Gingrich says he believes this is the beginning of World War III, and I tend to agree with him.  These terrorist incursions are happening all over the world.  And it ain’t going away.  These wackos have been at odds with the world for as long as there have been Muslims and Jews.  We are placed in the middle of the conflict solely because as a nation we support Israel.  These extremists are hell bent on annihilating Israel and extinguishing it from the face of the earth.  Their ultimate goal is world domination and a fundamentalist Muslin doctrine ruling over all the people of it.  It’s their way or death, and it’s that simple.

The question that comes to my simple mind is this:  “Does God condone the murder of innocent human beings?”  The Bible simply says; “Thou shalt not kill.”  So, those of you who believe the Bible is God’s Word, there ain’t no way in hell the God of “The” Bible will forgive anyone of this sin. 

Protestants, Catholics, Jews, Muslims and probably every other religion that exists on this planet has at some point in the name of God caused the murder of innocent human beings.  God, if you are truly a person of faith, cannot be a participant in murder, and those who murder in the name of God will rot in hell for eternity.  If you believe God’s Law is contained in the Ten Commandments, then you know where these terrorists will end up (and without the promised virgins). 

As I thought about this, an immediate personal conflict surfaced.  I have always been very much in favor of the death penalty.  I have supported it up to now.  Now I am conflicted.  I can no longer support the death penalty as a means of exacting justice.  I also know I will have to work at this and remind myself of my new take on it.

These little realizations and epiphanies I am having may cause me to lose sleep.  I found “my” God just two years ago after a very long search for any existence of a higher being of any form.  I am against abortion, but will not interfere with a woman’s decision to have it and don’t believe any man should.  A little over eleven years ago I gave up eating animal flesh of any sort.  If I stop wearing leather will someone please shoot me?  If I join PETA have me committed, please?  My politics are changing.  I have recently decided being a Republican does not fit my political views, and I sure as hell won’t become a Democrat.  Neither party has a plan, both just get off trying to jab the other.  Both parties talk about what they will do for the country.  They speak of improving education and our schools.  Neither party has ever done anything but give education lip service.  If elected, you can expect politics as usual from whichever party is in control of the federal government.  Only the rhetoric changes, both parties are more than useless.  Now, with that said, if I vote for Hillary somebody, please, shoot me, again? 

A side note: I think Yann Martel’s book “Life of Pi” should be required reading for everyone on the planet.  Check it out.  It is the story of a Jewish, Muslim kid who becomes a Christian but practices all three religions, and later on it serves him well.  Good story.

And that is all I have to say about that…

 
Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Getting It…

09/06/2006

The other day The Nancy and I were driving somewhere and I said something about something (most likely, since I don’t remember what I said, it was probably less than profound).  The Nancy replied to whatever it was I mumbled saying that I had “A firm grasp of the obvious.”  I thought this was so neat I immediately wrote it down, just so I would be reminded to ruminate on it when I found the time.  Here in West Virginia we say “chew on it a while.”  So, here’s my chewing.

The Nancy doesn’t always acknowledge I have a firm grasp of anything.  She knows me way too well.  During conversations, she knows I miss a lot of what is said.  Not so much because I am not listening…well, perhaps partially because I don’t listen well…but most of the time I do listen but still miss out on the “point” that is being made.  I have a similar problem with reading comprehension.  I can read a sentence or paragraph over two or three times and miss the point of it.  It’s one of the reasons The Nancy reads two or three books to my one. 

I was assigned to a remedial reading program in the seventh grade (1956).  The teacher’s name was – I can’t believe she could possibly still be living – Mrs. McGill.  I remember her very well; she looked like Olive Oyl, except she usually had her hair up on top of her head in a bun and wore glasses.  Hell, maybe she didn’t look like Olive Oyl at all?  Any way, my reading comprehension was at about the same level after the class as it was before.  A lot of it had to do with my “Give-a-Shit” level.  It was at about a minus two. 

Okay!  Back to the present: if you say to someone he or she has “A Firm Grasp of the Obvious” you acknowledge or affirm that someone “gets it.”  I really like it.  It just rolls off the tongue so smoothly, even if it does not really apply to me.

One of the first questions asked of participants in the program The Nancy and I did in Dallas (http://www.millennium3education.com) is “What Are You Pretending Not to Know?”
Think about this: How much do we pretend not to know about ourselves, others and situations going on around us?  We see things that aren’t there, while we ignore stuff that is staring us in the face.  Dammit, we make up stuff just to fit those things we are pretending not to know (fact versus interpretation).

Some people just love gloom in their lives and cannot live without it.  These people go through their lives with their heads stuck so far up their asses they only see the world as dark and shitty.  I heard this malady referred to as “Rectal-Cranial Inversion.”

I don’t consider myself to be overly bright.  Those of you that have visited this site previously know this about me.  Compared to others I know my level of intuitiveness ranks very low on the scale.  Some people can read between the lines, others are so astute they can read between each word.  Me!  I catch on sometime in the following week.  I just flat out miss stuff because it goes over my head.  On the contrary, I am so much a skeptic I will have to see the Pearly Gates before I will accept that I am a goner.  Perhaps my lack of intuition and keen skepticism balance me out. 

My rumination on “A firm grasp of the obvious.” led me to ponder how some people are so high on life and show it, while some others live theirs being the quintessential “victim” living in the land of Woe-Is-Me. Why do some people attempt to move forward in their lives looking straight ahead, while others stagger forward with their heads at a 180 looking back at the past?  My life is now and in front and my past is gone.  Do you get my drift?

One of the things I have learned is that I am fully responsible for what happens in my life.  This, my friends, is a “Firm Grasp of the Obvious.”  I am in control of my life and have been for nearly two years.  Now I know that sounds strange, but I have to own up to the fact that I spent sixty years floundering around, but I finally “got it” at a seminar in Dallas.  Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” 

It can be yours if you are interested in taking control of your life?  Details at the website shown above.

So ends my endorsement and that’s all I have to say about that (for now).