Hell of a Guy
Freedom of Press is limited to those who own one - H.L. Mencken

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Sex and Laughter


Wow!  This is uncharted territory for me.  I usually keep this kind of thing, what I hope is nothing more than a human foible, to myself.  My sexual peculiarities may not be suitable for all readers, and some of you may just not care to know about this one.  So, I suggest if you are not curious now or a mature adult, you may want to go to a G-rated blog and skip this post of mine.

Perhaps this comes with age, I just don’t have a clue, and I don’t have a lot of conversations involving sex or sexual things as they may relate to me and my life, except with other guys talking about other women…you know, guy talk.  Guy talk usually centers around the female physicality and certain feminine adornments.  Now to you ladies that read this, please don’t go bang your husband or significant other over the head.  Guys are guys and guys talk about females in a sexual way because we need to, based on the fact the only reason we were put on this earth is to procreate, and also to talk about the procedure with other guys.  Since we ain’t getting’ it, we talk about it, mostly when some inconsiderate, good looking woman happens to be nearby.

Let’s move on now?  This is a tough one.  How does one approach this but to just toss it out there.  Okay!  Recently, when The Nancy and I were testing the waters – hmmm! –something happened, some sweet nothing said, a gesture, a movement occured and all of the sudden we were taken over with laughter.  I don’t mean a chuckle or two, or even a subdued whimper.  I mean a gut retching, deep down, abdominal stretching, belly-laugh mood killer.  What the hell is up with that?  This was not the first time this has happened to us.  Good grief, it was disconcerting. And even more disconcerting is that it was both of us, not just one of us.  Two people in the throes of passion doubled over with laughter.  It was nuts, and it ain’t right.

One of the most beautiful expressions of a married couple’s sincere and deep affection for one another is the act of sharing one another’s bodies for the pleasure God intended us to have as we “make love.”  I didn’t see the manual, but I just know laughter is not supposed to be part of the foreplay, middleplay or climax.  There is nothing funny about sex, or is there?

And that is all I have to say about that…

Monday, April 23, 2007

Are Things Really So Bad?


This is very interesting reading…. whether you like George Bush, the war, the cost of gas or whatever, it is interesting reading.  This piece has been going around the internet world for a while and Jay Leno is getting the credit for it, though he did not write it.  It was written by a man named Craig R. Smith.  It, nonetheless, compelled me to think about how good I have it here in the USA, even in light of current events - 

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe.  It must be true given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president.  In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain’t happy and want a change. I being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ‘‘What we are so unhappy about?’‘

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?  Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?  Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?  Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?  Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?  I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.  Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.  You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.  Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?  Maybe that is what has 67percent of you folks unhappy?

The fact is we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen.  No wonder the world loves the U.S, yet has a great disdain for its citizens.  They see us for what we are.  The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don’t have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know.  What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out?  The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating?  Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11?  The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession?  Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?

The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?  Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn’t take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it…...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the “Media” told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it, the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.  There is currently no draft in this country.  They didn’t have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ‘‘general’’ discharge, an ‘‘other than honorable’’ discharge or, worst case scenario, a ‘‘dishonorable’’ discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?  Say what you want but I blame it on the media.  If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news.  Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts.  How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner?  The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.  They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by “justifying” them in one way or another.  Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn’t kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way…...Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media.  Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.  Then start being grateful for all we have as a country.  There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative. “With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

Craig R. Smith

I got it pretty good here in the USA.  I wouldn’t trade my world for any other.  All is well with me and mine.  Hell, if I were any better I’d be twins.

And that is all I have to say about that…

Thursday, April 19, 2007

An Inconvenient Truth, Hell-of-a-Guy Style


A couple nights ago I sat in my family room listening to a very hard rain and howling winds beat against the house.  There is a large picture window in our family room that faces to the west.  As a relentless, gusting wind blew against it, I could see the glass moving in and out.  The temperature hovered around a very un-seasonal forty degrees.  It has been mighty damn cold here in Beautiful Downtown Berkeley Springs, West Virginia, aka The Town of Bath, population 711.  At least the rain is gone - for a while.

Now I surely ain’t no scientist, but Global Warming my gluteus maximus!  There isn’t anything warming about this global crap.  Easter Sunday we had two inches of snow, and I have seen snow flakes falling nearly every day this week.  My trees, where leaves appeared by this time last year, are barren.  My grass is not growing – this time last year I had already mowed it at least once.  I am still having to warm up my car in the morning.  Something is not right, but it isn’t Global Warming!

Just last week I purchased a new mower.  This one is slick, to the say the least; it’s one of the zero turn jobs.  It has “The Tank” painted on the back.  It’s a commercial grade Cub Cadet and is built like a tank, but it should be for $7500.00.  It comes equipped with a roll bar and a seat belt.  It will go up to twelve miles per hour.  I am not sure how to operate this hog, but I am excited at the prospect of using it.  So far, I haven’t even started it up.  A delivery guy brought it and offloaded it and put it in my garage.  “Global Warming” has not allowed me enough heat in the air for me to venture out and start the darn thing. 

Call me dumber than hell, but I, being what I believe to be a reasonable soul, would think Global Warming would infer something to do with heat?  I have had a chill, one that goes to the bones, for several months now.  Here it is already April the 19th and we are still praying for the thermometer to register up into the sixties.  This ain’t no party, friends.  I am going to get together a petition to see if we can get Al Baby to change the title of the phenomenon to “Global Freeze Your Ass.”

And that is all I have to say about that…

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Easter Morning - A Philosophical Treatise


Easter is a religious holiday.  It is celebrated by Christians worldwide as the day Christ arose from the dead.  For those of us who are more spiritual than religious, Easter is a time of renewal: a time of rebirth – it heralds spring.

Kids have a completely different view of what Easter means.  Easter to lot of kids is a perfectly good Sunday morning where the eating of candy and goodies is interrupted by Sunday school and a lengthy church service.  To some others it is nothing more than the day the Easter Bunny comes and brings candy and some small gifts.  Personally, I believe it has gotten to the point of being completely out of hand and lost most of its religious flavor. 

As a child I completely understood the meaning of Easter and the purpose of the sweets and little gifts I received.  They were given to signify and celebrate the rebirth of a life taken.  A life given up freely to death for you and for me so we might be forgiven of our transgressions.  Now whether you subscribe to this or not, it is the meaning of Easter. Somewhere along the way the religious has given way to the commercial, just as it has with Christmas. 

We spent Eastern morning with four of our six grandchildren.  I happened to get up at my normal time, about 6am.  As I opened the door to the bedroom The Nancy and I shared (we took over Justin’s bed and kicked him out of his room), I caught glimpse of Justin (10) and Jared (8) bounding out of Jared’s room and bounding down the steps.  A few minutes later I descended the stairs dressed in my finest “It’s-time-to-go-to-Starbucks” attire.  I could hear the two boys as they perused the four goody-laden baskets set out evenly spaced on the kitchen table.  The conversation went something like this:

Jared: “That’s my basket.”  Pointing to a basket with a Webkinz bunny rabbit and a DVD of Charlotte’s Web.

Justin: “That’s Lukie’s basket, you moron.  It has ‘Charlotte’s Web’ in it.”

Jared: “I don’t want the dog.  I like the bunny.”

Justin: “You idiot!  The rabbit is Lukie’s.  You got the dog.  What a retard!”

For those of you attempting to figure out what a Webkinz might be, I offer this information.  These are stuffed animals that come alive online in Webkinz World. Find out more by going to http://www.webkinz.com  It.s the new Beanie Baby craze with an on-line twist. 

Shortly after the conversation was over I left the house for some peace and quiet and a good cup of coffee.  When I returned to the house all four of the kids were in the family room chomping on candy while they watched “Charlotte’s Web.”  I noticed Jared was holding the bunny while Lukie, his faced dotted with chocolate, pressed the dog under his arm as he ripped off the cellophane off a chocolate something.  Jared had won while Lukie, not knowing the truth, was quite happy in his world with his little West Highland white terrier.

It occurred to me this morning as this memory came to mind what happened to Jared happens to a lot of people.  They just aren’t happy with what they have been given.  They want what a “Lukie” has in his basket.  Other people’s stuff must just look better.

And that is all I have to say about that…

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