Hell of a Guy

An Inconvenient Truth, Hell-of-a-Guy Style


A couple nights ago I sat in my family room listening to a very hard rain and howling winds beat against the house.  There is a large picture window in our family room that faces to the west.  As a relentless, gusting wind blew against it, I could see the glass moving in and out.  The temperature hovered around a very un-seasonal forty degrees.  It has been mighty damn cold here in Beautiful Downtown Berkeley Springs, West Virginia, aka The Town of Bath, population 711.  At least the rain is gone - for a while.

Now I surely ain’t no scientist, but Global Warming my gluteus maximus!  There isn’t anything warming about this global crap.  Easter Sunday we had two inches of snow, and I have seen snow flakes falling nearly every day this week.  My trees, where leaves appeared by this time last year, are barren.  My grass is not growing – this time last year I had already mowed it at least once.  I am still having to warm up my car in the morning.  Something is not right, but it isn’t Global Warming!

Just last week I purchased a new mower.  This one is slick, to the say the least; it’s one of the zero turn jobs.  It has “The Tank” painted on the back.  It’s a commercial grade Cub Cadet and is built like a tank, but it should be for $7500.00.  It comes equipped with a roll bar and a seat belt.  It will go up to twelve miles per hour.  I am not sure how to operate this hog, but I am excited at the prospect of using it.  So far, I haven’t even started it up.  A delivery guy brought it and offloaded it and put it in my garage.  “Global Warming” has not allowed me enough heat in the air for me to venture out and start the darn thing. 

Call me dumber than hell, but I, being what I believe to be a reasonable soul, would think Global Warming would infer something to do with heat?  I have had a chill, one that goes to the bones, for several months now.  Here it is already April the 19th and we are still praying for the thermometer to register up into the sixties.  This ain’t no party, friends.  I am going to get together a petition to see if we can get Al Baby to change the title of the phenomenon to “Global Freeze Your Ass.”

And that is all I have to say about that…

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