Hell of a Guy

Another Plane Ride…


Picture this: A man sitting on an airplane heading to Denver, row 30.  His favorite wife, a lovely woman with a “need,” not a desire, to sit in a window seat, is with him on this flight.  The man’s ticket calls out an aisle seat; the plan calls for an empty middle seat unless someone comes to sit in it, in which case the man, wonderful, loving man that he is, moves to the middle.  Have you got this picture down?

Many times when The Nancy and I are traveling together on a flight, we chose our seats as an aisle and a window, hoping the middle seat will go unassigned.  Quite often it works out for us, sometimes it does not.  This time it did not.

We were sitting there, she at the window, I had the aisle seat, our crap sat in the middle.  The plane was just about full when into my wandering eye did appear a large lady, as large as a deer.  “Jesus,” I prayed, “don’t let come her near?”  Such was not to be, the large person came as close as she could get, and without so much as a syllable uttered, pointed a rather large finger at the middle seat.  This girl was large, and as I slid from the aisle to the middle, I knew this three-plus hour flight was not going to be one of my best.

Okay!  Fast forward to the return flight.  The Nancy and I had had a most wonderful time in Denver, but were most ready to return to The Farm and our comfortable home.  We were flying United (best rip-off airline of them all) and made the decision to pay for seat upgrades providing extra leg room, $49.00 each, knowing we would have a middle seat for me and a window seat for her Majesty.  Having sat next to the circus performer on the way to Denver, I just knew nothing like that could ever happen to me again, right?  Not so fast, Zoo Breath. 

The Nancy and I took our seats, stowed our stuff in the overheads and the beneath the seats in front of us.  We had our reading materials in the seat pockets, seat bets on, and we were ready to fly.  All these skinny people were walking past us looking for their seats in rows beyond row 13, seats A and B.  The plane was nearly completely full.  I was wondering where our row mate might be when through the entrance of the plane came the largest human I have ever laid my eyes on.  “Jesus,” I prayed, “Don’t do this to me?”

Well, apparently Jesus and I are not close these days.  This exaggerated human plopped down next to me.  I could feel the whole row of seats strain to stay secured to the floor.  This big woman, I mean “big,” sat down and her left arm lay up against my chest.  Her legs were so thick the arm rest between us rose to a 45 degree angle.  I literally had to sit with my body half turned toward The Nancy. As the people continued to pile on the plane, this Amazon Goddess says, as she looks down at me, “Looks like we are going to be packed on this one!”  Hmmmm!  I thought I might say something cute like “What makes you think that?”  I didn’t.  All I could do was acknowledge she was correct in her assessment, which she was.  The flight, another three-hour tour, left me with a permanent kink in my left side.  I am traumatized.  I don’t ever remember being that uncomfortable for that long a period in my life, that is, with the exception of my hemorrhoid surgery in 1971.

I believe I am fully responsible for happens to me in my life.  I am the source and the only source for what occurs.  Therefore, I created the two situations above, and accept responsibility them, almost.  Damn, The Nancy and her damn window seats.

And that is all I have to say about that…

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