Hell of a Guy

Death and Taxes


We have all probably heard people say the only two things in this world that are for certain are “death and taxes.”  Now, as I get a little older, or a lot older in some of your eyes, I am beginning to see the truth in this.

I remember as my parents aged they attended more and more funerals.  I see the same with The Nancy’s parents.  I don’t think a month goes by that I do not hear them speak of someone they knew having passed away.  Now, at this juncture of my life, I seem to be moving into this stage and I do not care for it.  So far this month I have attended two funerals and could have gone to three.  Additionally, I have been informed of another life that appears to be waning.  I pray not, but have little control of such things.

Taxes are one thing none of us can escape, that is unless we just don’t pay them, but God knows I don’t care for funerals and care less for wakes.  I do not enjoy “The Viewing,” thinking it to be totally unnecessary and a complete mortifying moment for me and the dead.  Most dead people look little of the person I knew.  Just this last week I went to my last remaining uncle’s funeral.  He, lying in the coffin, little resembled the uncle I loved, but more like a manikin with heavy makeup applied.  I have asked this not be my fate. 

I don’t want people staring at me lying in a box with a lot of makeup covering the stains of death, and telling my survivors how good I look and how peaceful.  Instead I want my family to get a couple of kegs of really good beer, order in five or six pizzas, and at the point when however many people attend this funeral party (let’s call it a fun party) get a little buzz on, I want them to gather around as my ashes are thrown into the air allowing the breeze to spread me out over the earth I love.  Now that’s a funeral I can live with, so to speak.

And that is all I have to say about that… 

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