Hell of a Guy

Membership Has Its Privileges

08/30/2007

After my not-so-wonderful experience this past week with my flights from Chicago to Washington-Dulles, I am again thinking about retirement.  As with the title of this ditty, retirement also has its privileges, or so one would think.  One of those will be United Airlines and AirTran Airways will no longer be a part of my life; however, while the idea of retirement intrigues me, the reality of it is worrisome.  For one, I cannot afford retirement unless The Nancy takes on a second full-time job.  She refuses to do it, and there is an unselfish side of me that understands her disdain of my idea.  But nonetheless, I need some means of additional income in order to pull this off.

I had way too much time to contemplate a whole bunch of meaningless BS on Thursday and a good portion of Friday while loitering at O’Hare, Midway and Atlanta airports.  Part of this thirty-seven hour mental exercise was joyfully spent devising a means to supplement my small pension and Social Security.  I believe I have come up with a sure fired way to secure the extra funds needed to make this work.  The process to get to this point is full of schemes (or felonies).  I thought at first about just really padding my expense report each week for another year or so, and using the money to pay off a chunk of my mortgage.  I would only have to falsify about $800.00 worth of expenses each and every week.  Sounds easy, but inasmuch as I travel only about twice a month, it just won’t work, and jail time might be involved, which would take care of my retirement issues, for sure.  I also thought perhaps I could talk The Nancy into a little larceny, but, dammit, she is way too ethical and honest.  So after really stretching my brain I came up with this idea: Membership in Hell of a Guy.

This website has now enjoyed over 56,000 hits in the year and a half since Meredith and Phil (http://www.topdeadcenterdesign.com) gave it to me as a birthday present.  That is 56K’s worth of happy folks that have enjoyed my wit (or halfwit) and my off beat sagacity (far out wisdom).  If my limited mathematical skills are correct, it makes just about 800 hits each week.  The plan is to have each of you put $1 in an envelope and send it to Hell-of-a-Guy.com, PO Box 430, Berkeley Springs (aka Town of Bath – population 711), West Virginia each time you access this website.  If everyone takes part in my plan, my days with this company are numbered.  My time in the abyss of employment will be but a memory in a matter of days when this ship comes in.  I will spend the remainder of my life writing asinine bullshit like this, but only in retirement instead of on my company’s time (Oops!, I probably shouldn’t have said that.) 

I suppose I should do more for you than just write stupid stuff and post it for you to read and hopefully enjoy while taking your money.  So, for your dollar you will receive by return mail a membership card suitable for framing or laminating and an eight by ten, autographed picture of me, also suitable for framing or laminating.  But wait, there’s more…I “may” even throw in a set of six, faux-pearl handled vegetable knives - I don’t do steak, but I am not a vegetarian.  I have some leftover Thanksgiving napkins (forgive the autumn motif) I may throw in as an extra added attraction.  Self-addressed, stamped envelopes will get immediate attention: all others may become inexplicably lost in the mail back to you.  I cannot be held responsible for the ineptitude of the US Postal Service. 

Please give this some serious thought?  Membership has its privileges, the main one being me.  All seriousness aside, I think this is an excellent way for you to expand my horizons.  I must admit, my expectations are not very high.  At the very least I ask give this about a half a second’s consideration before you give this screen the finger.

And that is all I have to say about that…   

 
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Hey Senor,

Let me know how this works and maybe we can incorporate and supplement all of our Social Security.  Since it may disappear someday soon anyway, it would be a great way to continue our income and the level existence to which we have become so happily accustomed.  Really though maybe we should shares in some nonexistent property, say on the Moon, etc.  I mean if the general public will buy “Pet Rocks”, we should be able to develop some amazing product that cannot be done without.  Take care Brother and keep those wheels turning and we will come up with something!

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  09/05  at  01:52 PM

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