Hell of a Guy

Planning My Retirement aka The Golden Years


Approaching retirement reminds me of Captain Kirk telling Lt. Sulu to increase speed to Warp Factor 1; that is, to make the speed of the ship equal to that of the speed of light.  Retirement for me is approaching that quickly, or so it seems.  Just a few years ago retirement was something I gave little more than a passing thought to or even wished to think about.  The time for it, however, is getting close and I have to make some plans.

First of all, I am not nearly ready to hang it up and go into what I view now as “the waiting to die time.”  I am having way too much fun pissing off the people I work for and the people who work for me.  Actually I love my company, my higher-ups and my lower downs.  This company has been very good to me and as long as I can “make a difference” I will stay.  I truly believe I can still make a difference and be a valuable employee.  My present plan is to continue with this job until I reach my sixty-seventh birthday.  Not that I am counting the days but that is a mere 1599 days from today.  Bottom line, it is time to plan.

Some of you are aware of my post-retirement dream of becoming a geriatric porn star.  Don’t laugh, it’s true.  I believe with the overall average age of human beings on this planet increasing, there will be a demand for this type of entertainment as time goes on.  Who better than I fit the model for this?  After all, just look at my photograph, I was put on this earth as “eye candy” and have had to live my entire life being stared at and adored by women of all ages (as well as some men).  In this endeavor I will get to expose this Herculean body in all it athletic splendor.  I may even buy a large automobile with sky-blue paint and get a vanity tag with “Big Blue” on it.  Maybe get Pfizer to endorse me?


I don’t find any repugnancy whatsoever in my plan.  I have even gone so far with this and selected my stage name: Early Riser.  Those of you who frequent Bob Evans Restaurants have probably seen this name.  It is one of their breakfast menu items – two eggs, any style, with hash browns and bacon or sausage.  I even picked out a name for The Nancy, should she desire to participate in the adult entertainment field with me.  The Nancy will be “Crack O’Dawn,” which is also a Bob Evans’s menu item.  I can just imagine our names on the marquee and us pulling up to the premier of our first feature length film in “Big Blue” and exiting to car to a thunderous ovation from an adoring crowd.  Wow!!!

The Nancy sees an ulterior motive in this retirement dream of mine.  She tells people I only want an audition.  She says I should just forget my stupid retirement dream and just stick it out here in West Virginia.  She tells me with my luck I will be arrested and hauled into court where my dream will just not stand up, so to speak.  Damn it, I could have been a performer.  All of this not withstanding, it’s my dream and I am sticking with it.

Oh well!  That all I have to say about that…

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Why do I even read this?

Posted by Meredith  on  09/19  at  10:55 AM

I have just set up the grandparents. Are you in need of assisted living as well?????

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  09/19  at  11:20 AM

No, Sissy, No. I don’t think Dad needs “help” with this one.

Posted by Meredith  on  09/19  at  11:21 AM

Dave, step away from the crack pipe!

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  09/20  at  04:26 AM

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