Hell of a Guy

S-N-O-W, Something I Detest…


We got about and inch and a half of snow last night here in Beautiful Downtown Berkeley Springs, West Virginia, population 711, and I have to wonder, since I am way too lazy to go back and look, if I have I ever written about exactly how much I detest snow?  I am not sure, so just in case, please, allow me enlighten you?

I do no know when or where this disdain began, but it sure as hell is there and has been for as long as I can remember.  As I approach the 28th anniversary of the 39th birthday of this Hell of a Guy, finally having to admit openly that mine was not the Immaculate Conception as I have thought for a very long time; I have to also admit my memory ain’t what it used to be.  A lot of what is below is either a true memory or a manufactured one, maybe just conjecture.

As a young boy I loved snow.  I loved to play in it.  I went sledding down the hill on Valley View Ave as other kids took turns to warn of cars coming down intersecting streets, and did it over and over.  I would roll around in the snow until I noticed I was very wet and very cold, and even then I only went home when my lips turned blue. I joined in the building of snowmen with my buds, and we would have snowball battles up until someone began to cry.  I especially liked those days when the snow accumulation was great enough to cause school to be closed.  And it might just be the closing of schools that I enjoyed more than the white stuff.

I think my mother dressed me as warmly as she could, layering my clothing and allowing me just enough movement without totally reducing my joints the ability to flex, and volunteered me to the elements so she could get some peace and quiet as she watched “A Guiding Light” and “As the World Turns.”  Perhaps it is all her fault I hate this white crap so much?  I do blame her for my neurosis.  I obviously cannot accept any personal responsibility for being so screwed up and blaming her is easy since she is no longer here to slap me.

I think my real disgust for snow really took hold when I lived in Upstate New York back in my Air Force days.  I lived in a part of New York where it was rumored to have just two seasons – winter and July.  My time at Griffiss Air Force Base included four winters, and, man, I learned to very much love and savor the month of July.  Typically, snow began to fall in mid-late October and stayed, sort of like “Hell Freezing Over,” and stayed and stayed.  It was winters filled with relentless snow and bitter cold.  I remember one year we got ten inches of snow in early May.  While living in a barrack in early 1964 I actually kept sodas, milk, luncheon meats and mayonnaise in the snow that accumulated outside the window of my shared room. It was like a mini-fridge there, so why not make use of it.  At the time I was part of the base Military Police continent - hated it!  My memory of standing in the middle of an intersection directing traffic with snow piled higher than my head on the sides of the roads and the temperature so frigging low my toes and fingers ached from the cold is still so very vivid.  By the way, I also detest directing traffic, too. 

In the years since I was discharged from the Air Force my dislike for snow has only grown exponentially more negative.  Last year when we had over three feet of it on the ground in February and The Nancy and I were stranded in our house for six days with an ever diminishing beer inventory, I spent many hours contemplating a move to Florida or some locale where the chance of snow is nearly nil or less.  Heat I can take.  Cold I can take, albeit in small doses.  But snow drives me nuts, up a wall over the hill.  Note to my daughter and my niece, both who love snow, want it to snow often and heavily, long for it and voice this on Facebook, hear me now?  I hate snow, I detest snow, and I never want to see it again.

Perhaps one day I will convince The Nancy that moving into a condo near the beach in sunny, warm Florida, maybe one that is mortgage free, maybe one near a micro-brewery, is a brilliant idea.  Now that really sounds good to me, but then, everyone knows I am a dreamer.  Hmmm!!!

And that is all I have to say about that… 

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