Hell of a Guy

Something Fun, for a Change…


Within the past couple of days this website saw its 31,000th hit.  To celebrate this I have decided to compose something lighthearted but thought provokingly laughable, and maybe even funny.  Now all I have to do is to think of something.  So here goes….

Things on my “To Do” list:

1.  I am going to declare my vegetarianism at an end on August 11th of this year.  Why?  Just so The Nancy will not have to tell everyone when we go out to someone’s home or to a restaurant that it is what I am.  I hate it when people have to plan around my dietary considerations.  Now this doesn’t mean I will immediately or ever take up eating critter.  I still believe one of the reasons I have not been sick in the last twelve years (actually it won’t be twelve years until August 11th, but I am rounding up) is my shunning of animal flesh.  So, come August, if you invite me to dinner, do not cook around me.

2.  Fix the bathroom door.  Do any of you, if you are old enough, remember the Ma and Pa Kettle series of movies?  Pa Kettle was a slightly built, skinny little man.  Ma Kettle was the family authoritarian.  She was large and robust, with a man-sized voice and a hearty laugh.  They had about a million children of all ages.  The Kettles, in one movie, lived on a farm.  Their farm was in a state of complete disrepair, everything needed some kind of fixing.  Every time something fell off or fell down, or broke off, Pa Kettle would say, “I need to get to that someday.”  Now the door of the bathroom that is part of our master bedroom doesn’t close well.  Something with the little gizmo that comes out of the doorlock and into the door frame - you know the male looking thingy into the female looking thingy - is messed up.  It is off about an eighth of an inch and doesn’t catch unless you slam the door hard or pull up on the handle as you close it.  Well, The Nancy and I about it each time we go in the door.  We make a mental note it needs to be repaired and instantly forget about it as we exit the bathroom.  I need to get to it, one of these days, but not right now.  Right now I am busy, but I will make a mental note of it.

3.  I have my company’s annual meeting coming up next month.  I have made myself a promise to lose a little flab between now and February 18th.  While none of the other attendees give a healthy crap whether or not I gained a couple of pounds (okay – about fifteen, but that is still just a couple of couples), it is always nice to hear someone say, “My, are you losing weight?  You look great!”  I like that, and since the annual meeting is about the only time of the year I give a real shit about how I look, it’s time to begin.  Actually I began the weight loss program on January 3rd and I dropped a little weight in the process, but five days of denying me the epicurean delicacies I love to shove into my oral cavity in copious amounts was about all I could stand.  I altered my program - euphemism for “chucked it out the window” – and soon gave way to renewing my beer consumption to its pre-January 1st Resolution.  I am now on a weight gain program.  The proof is in lack of breathing room in my newly acquired trousers with the waist measurement of forty inches.  I do refuse to ever purchase pants with a forty-two inch waist, and that is a promise to me that will never be broken…at least in the near future.

4.  One of my Resolutions for 2007 is to complete the painting of the walls in our basement.  Just so everyone knows I don’t always renege on these promises to myself, I have made a conscious effort to start the painting, and I did.  I started it and thus far I have about finished about 1/8th of the job.  I ran out of ambition.  Painting on hold until I can refill my ambition tank.

This thinking is way too exhausting for an old guy like me.  I need to rest now.  So, that is all I have to say about that….

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